6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
