I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
