Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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