Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
