Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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