A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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