I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
