You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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