she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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