Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
