If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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