Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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