great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
