She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
