so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
He has the fingertips of a God
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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