oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
