My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
