i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Please don't give away my fajitas
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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