I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
