You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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