Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
