Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
