im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
