Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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