We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
