3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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