I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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