I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
