the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
