checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
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