She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
