Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
