she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
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