dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
