yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
