"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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