The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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