i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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