You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
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