Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
