When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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