My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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