Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
