every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize