Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
