so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
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Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
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Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I DEMAND FORESKIN
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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