Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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