My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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