i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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