I feel like I'm in dance class right now
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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