I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
