Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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