high people should be assigned attendants
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
