i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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