allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
