when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
