I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
